I like to keep the past close but not forgotten, lest
the troubles be reborn in another form. Some of these writings are
quite old but still bring me comfort to see how I've grown and changed
over the years, the issues that affect me now compared to then.
'Give away your troubled heart
so your dreams will all come true.
Give away your troubled heart,
find love inside of you." ~ anonymous ~
The empathy of another’s death, the sadness
of a severed friendship, or simply my own mortality stir my soul
and produce written or painted art forms taken from my mind into
this reality in a matter that may not always will be understood,
but exists nevertheless.
Note: Please do not take and use any of my poetry without prior
permission.
Jekyll
and Hyde How can I tell you how my mind works inside?
I'm part of the Jekyll and half of the Hyde
How can I word that my soul rips apart?
How can you fathom the depths of my heart?
They tell me I'm cold as I struggle for air
That I'm lacking compassion cause my souls barely there.
I swear that sometimes it feels like I'm dead
My heart then a hostage to a dominant head.
I'm sorry I hurt you each time that we fight.
My fire now a burden, not God-given right.
Words cutting deep in emotional heat,
Then I grieve at the carnage that bleeds at my feet.
I could slap myself stupid for the damage I've done
I find that what works is to get up and run.
But your faces all haunt me; I can't sleep at night
For the worry of you, that I can't put it right.
My fire now a candle light, gentle and true
I will stand by your bedside and watch over you.
As the New Year awakens I pledge here my best,
To go to my graveyard and lay Hyde to rest.
Deep and Dead Deep and dead, deep and dead.
Why do they want me deep and dead?
Talking till dawn in a cloud of substances,
Holding each other laughing as we stumble home.
The plans, the adventures, the looks of angst.
Something so deep, so fast, was found in our friendships.
But that's how they want me, deep and dead.
Needed when needed, left at will
One minute we're deep, the next I'm dead to you.
The Apology It is easy to become lost in the abyss of our
oneness
The Solitude of Self
And the limbo that is loneliness.
My walls are strong, you know that!
Even you of gentle spirit had trouble crossing.
And I never let you.
I still don't.
And the pain I caused in return...
The heartache.
That's not me! I cry feebly.
That is me.
I am that.
I can rot.
A spiritual rot.
I hate that, and I'm sorry.
You're a good guy. You've been good to me. (To Bubbles)
Jar Bones My mind
A world of music and riches
Beauty and happiness.
Closed doors on sorrow and acne.
My mind, and my illusions
Like a carefully pressed flower
Or a pickled being in a jar
Kept me beautiful.
To Die Alone Television on, the sound was down
You died alone in your chair.
And silent images across your face dance
On skin that's no longer there.
Eleven months you waited.
Your birthday passed, they never came
And in your silent plea.
Your hollow sockets tried to cry
Where blue eyes used to be.
Did you cry for you when you passed alone,
Spirit body mourning mortal decay?
Did you wail by the window at passers by
Or try in vain to bat the flies away?
Did you pace the floor in abandoned sorrow
Did you get on your knees and pray?!
Or did your head in cruel acceptance
Upon rotting lap then lay?
Did you keep a guard by your rotting flesh
And by your side then stay?
Refusing to leave your bones behind
Until someone took them away?
Your body is now safely beneath the moss
There's no need for you to stay
And through this poem your memory lives,
Rest assured now, and walk away.
Winter Wastelands Trees there
(naked and abandoned)
Dream of
(summers long forgot)
My face
(blinded by the sunlight)
Screaming a
(melody of sickness)
Symphony of frozen waters where you
(always choose to go)
I would follow
(but I'm caught)
In the nettled weeds
(you planted in the snow)
to stop me, so I watch
(from this Winter Wasteland)
As you
(dance into the waters)
Without me.
Darkened Serenade Darkened Serenade
Your light
fading into darkness
Your name
written in the snow
My soul
vacant and disturbing
My name
you don't even know
Vultures
circle all around us
Waiting
for the first to fall
Dead dreams
scattered on the hillside
Waiting
on their battle call.
Fear Its not that I'm obsessed with death
But that I'm so totally infatuated with life
I analyse the rhythm of my breathing to the point of suffocation
And in this heady stillness I find peace where there is none.
Where will I go?
In what ways will I change?
To awaken one evening washed up on a darkened shore,
To observe the sky in its yellowness
And the blackness of the sand,
To cry in recognition of another terrible world
To lose control of all that is mine,
All that are mine,
Terrifies me in words I cannot distinguish.
You know those words that melt before you,
The moment they are spoken?
And you stare down at their liquid remains and ache to drink them
back.
I'm aware of my own mortality.
I appreciate it.
May I always have the chance to tell those that I love
How much they mean to me.
Sleep Beneath the floorboards.
Lay you, the undiscovered.
Softly softly bury me
Sleep of the last memory of your living hours.
The cast of the play long since abandoned
The stage of those very dreams
Yet you whisper your lines to the darkness.
Sleep of frozen waters.
Sleep of the geese flying overhead
Sleep of a thousand sorries
Sleep of imagined applause
Sleep of suspended silence.
Little Skull found you on a distant shore
Tangled in net and grime.
It seemed to me that you have been there
For an unreasonable amount of time.
Little skull, I'll free you now,
What fearful things you saw?
I'll brush the seaweed from your crown,
And the limpets from your jaw.
I cradle you in my arms with wonder
Why from the sea, you came?
What purpose did you have in life?
Please whisper now your name.
Did no one care enough for you
That you should be abandoned?
Washed up upon this lonely shore,
Weather-worn and branded?
I care that you once existed,
Matters not that you are rotten.
Through me you can have life once more,
I won't leave you forgotten.
Together we'll stay, two souls entwined,
A lost girl and her skull.
And you'll stay with me all the while
Or at least until...
I find out more about your life
And witness what you see,
And try to shake off this disquieting feeling,
Of how much you look like me.
No! You can't be; I'm alive and well!
Not washed upon a shore!
Is this why I'm so drawn to you?
Could no one have loved us more?!
Then the dawning feeling comes over me,
I thought I saw you smile,
And through your staring empty sockets,
I realise that all the while,
You are me, little skull.
Mother Skull Skull screams.
I drop her.
It was too soon to confront the pain of the past
Better it drip in steady pulses into my sleeping veins
Like a bad medicine for a vulnerable soul,
Than for a hideous sunlight,
To dissolve me into ashes
Here on this lonely beach front.
So I leave little skull
Wander further into my confusion
Finding comfort from the dimness
Its familiar to me now.
Fog thickens into a woolen blanket
I pretend it is to comfort me from the cold
Like I'm a baby once again
In mickey mouse ribbons.
I am ribbons, or is it my disorientation?
I've lost my way again,
So I lie down to think.
Its cold, I'm alone
But never completely
For my sense of self has served me well
My astrological twin,
That all good geminis are blessed with.
Light dances in the distance.
It irritates me, I'm hallucinating.
Like a firefly it fights its way
Through the whiteness of the fog.
Its getting closer, I'm getting agitated
Can't you find your own stretch of beach?
A figure stands before me,
Concealing her face under a heavy hood.
But I know her, I feel it in my bones.
She never leaves me.
I've been alone for so long it seems!
I don't need your guidance now.
But beneath the heavy hood she smiles
My skull she cradles in her arms
And in a voice that melts my prison
She speaks,
'Well I'll tell you what we'll do
with sticky face.'
